I recently learned via Facebook that a former co-worker of mine has been diagnosed with cancer and is currently undergoing chemotherapy. We’re the same age. We only had a few encounters during work. To me she always looked lethargic or sickly, or just apathetic. Even her tone of voice. But I figured that’s what she was like and not because she is sick. But I don’t know if she’s been sick for two years. I don’t know if she was in remission or anything like that. But she just always seemed sick, whether physically or emotionally.
With this and the recent death of beloved celebrity, Robin Williams, I have realized my own mortality. Any day I can be diagnosed with a terminal illness or suffer an aneurysm or get into a car accident or take my own life. We are all just inching closer to death with each breath we take and it can’t be stopped. I often wish for my life to end but I always imagine it as an instantaneous death rather than a slow and painful one. I have no control over which one it could be because I could never take my own life willingly. Well at least not now. Probably if I ever get to 70.
Death Cab For Cutie at Boston Calling Music Festival, MA, on May 24, 2014.
Title and Registration. I wish I had recorded Ben jumping into the crowd and right on top of me.
I can’t wait until I get a real full time job. Ideally I’d be earning enough money to move out, be able to go out for drinks a couple of times a week, buy drugs, and see Brand New across the US (or even globe) if I ever wanted to. I see myself in my own apartment (or sharing one) with a dog and I have a guitar, bass, and set of drums, each of which I have mastered. In my spare time, I perform covers of my favorite songs on each instrument. I can walk around naked and free. I am finally happy. But I am still dead inside.
I had a dream I was at a bar with my friends and this girl approached me and asked if I wanted a drink. I said “no thanks, I’ve already got one.” We talked for a bit and she went off with her friends. The following night I am at another bar with my friends and the same girl comes up to me and asks if I want a drink. I oblige this time, thank her, and we chat for a little while. She seems very eager to get to know me more, but all I can think is “please stop talking to me I need to get out of this situation.” I pay her back for my drink, tell her “sorry, nothing personal, but I’m just not interested.” She smiles and leaves. I go back to my friends and the night goes on. A couple hours later as closing time approaches, I see the same girl sitting by herself and crying. I cannot help myself but ask what is wrong. She said her friends ditched her and now she has no way of getting home. I offer her money for a cab or bus or train but she says she lives 40 miles away. She was supposed to spend the night at her friend’s place but since they left her she doesn’t want to talk to her. I ask my friends if anybody is going in her direction, and everyone says no, as expected. I feel awful and offer her a ride back home. We get to her place and I make sure she enters her home safely. She invites me inside, and I go in. I help her get into her bed (she is still drunk), leave a note, grab a glass of water from the kitchen, and leave. I walk back to my car asking myself why I just did a gigantic favor to complete stranger. I laugh, start my car, and drive back home. I say to myself “I hope she feels better in the morning and fixes her friendship.” I text my friends saying I’m on my way back home from dropping the girl off. Ten minutes later I fall asleep at the wheel and crash into the divider. I die on impact. Life is strange. Even in my dreams I am the same exact person I am in real life.
Into It. Over It. at Union Transfer in Philadelphia, PA, 02.22.14.
I am lazy and 3 months late. I was only motivated to go to this show because A Great Big Pile Of Leaves and The World Is a Beautiful Place were supporting. II.OI. ended up being great as well. Wish I could go to the Mineral show in NY they’re supporting!