I can’t wait until I get a real full time job. Ideally I’d be earning enough money to move out, be able to go out for drinks a couple of times a week, buy drugs, and see Brand New across the US (or even globe) if I ever wanted to. I see myself in my own apartment (or sharing one) with a dog and I have a guitar, bass, and set of drums, each of which I have mastered. In my spare time, I perform covers of my favorite songs on each instrument. I can walk around naked and free. I am finally happy. But I am still dead inside.
I had a dream I was at a bar with my friends and this girl approached me and asked if I wanted a drink. I said “no thanks, I’ve already got one.” We talked for a bit and she went off with her friends. The following night I am at another bar with my friends and the same girl comes up to me and asks if I want a drink. I oblige this time, thank her, and we chat for a little while. She seems very eager to get to know me more, but all I can think is “please stop talking to me I need to get out of this situation.” I pay her back for my drink, tell her “sorry, nothing personal, but I’m just not interested.” She smiles and leaves. I go back to my friends and the night goes on. A couple hours later as closing time approaches, I see the same girl sitting by herself and crying. I cannot help myself but ask what is wrong. She said her friends ditched her and now she has no way of getting home. I offer her money for a cab or bus or train but she says she lives 40 miles away. She was supposed to spend the night at her friend’s place but since they left her she doesn’t want to talk to her. I ask my friends if anybody is going in her direction, and everyone says no, as expected. I feel awful and offer her a ride back home. We get to her place and I make sure she enters her home safely. She invites me inside, and I go in. I help her get into her bed (she is still drunk), leave a note, grab a glass of water from the kitchen, and leave. I walk back to my car asking myself why I just did a gigantic favor to complete stranger. I laugh, start my car, and drive back home. I say to myself “I hope she feels better in the morning and fixes her friendship.” I text my friends saying I’m on my way back home from dropping the girl off. Ten minutes later I fall asleep at the wheel and crash into the divider. I die on impact. Life is strange. Even in my dreams I am the same exact person I am in real life.
Into It. Over It. at Union Transfer in Philadelphia, PA, 02.22.14.
I am lazy and 3 months late. I was only motivated to go to this show because A Great Big Pile Of Leaves and The World Is a Beautiful Place were supporting. II.OI. ended up being great as well. Wish I could go to the Mineral show in NY they’re supporting!
Which complex is the one where you want to help everybody and make them happy by sacrificing your time, energy, and own happiness but inside you’re still a worthless piece of trash.
A couple of the hardest courses I’ve taken at college is Organic Chemistry 1 and 2. I remember during the Orgo 1 final, I had zero hope in passing. My midterm grades were abysmal and I left at least two problems completely blank. I got a 45/100 on the final and passed with a C. The following semester the professor posted an announcement: “If you made it here in Orgo 2 with a final exam grade of 45 or less or a final course grade of a D, then you should reevaluate your study skills and put in more effort if you want to pass this course.” Needless to say, I did neither and passed Orgo 2 with a C, even though I performed significantly better on the exams than I did in Orgo 1. Above is the stupid index card I used that was of no help during the Orgo 2 final exam because of course I am going to write down absolutely inutile information. College. Me.
I’ve plunged into a life of over-eating and under-exercising. After I finished Insanity, I followed a gym/workout plan for two weeks and then I stopped because I had a bunch of projects and presentation due. It’s been almost a month since I’ve stopped regularly working out and in that month I’ve gained at least 5 pounds. Now that my college career is nearly over, I can gain control of my dieting, since my over-eating is directly dependent on how stressful my life is. I am so ashamed I let myself go as much as I did.
It is 2am and I am in bed with indigestion because I had a massive burrito 6 hours ago. During these bouts of bloatedness and self-hatred I tell myself “I am never going to eat again” but who I am kidding. I’m probably gonna eat another burrito tomorrow too.
I remember back on my old blog I blogged about human encounters and how it’s much more likely that somebody will approach you if you are more attractive than if you look like a behemoth. Whether the intentions be sexual or just friendly. I used a bus ride as an example. If you were to randomly talk to the person sitting next to you on the bus, I believe it’d be much easier to strike up a conversation if the person is “not a behemoth.”
In my opinion, this is still true. I recently downloaded the Tinder app and spent a half hour on it two nights ago. I am not using it for anything at all, I was just exploring the interface and the people. And an app like this only helps my case. People will swipe left much more quickly if you are a behemoth. Downloading Tinder made me realize that I have strange standards. I’ve swiped left for every girl. I was going to swipe right for one, but she had the same name as my sister and I can’t have that. I don’t even know why I care because it isn’t even like I am going to solicit any prospects if both of us agree on one another. If I swipe right to every girl and then get no messages then I will just confirm the fact that I am a behemoth.
I can say anything to my friends concerning my whereabouts and they’ll believe me. This doesn’t mean that I am constantly lying to them about where I am, but rather where I could be. I am usually in class, at work, or meeting up with my group members for our class projects. And when I am asked about my location, I always respond with a truthful answer. I am usually with my group members very late into the night (one time I got back to my apartment at 6:30am) but in a parallel universe I am lying to my friends and I am actually shooting heroin up my veins and snorting cocaine at night instead of working on school projects.